Excalibur's 1000 Provisions
by Four Dimensional
Summary: A list of 1000 provisions you must follow to be Excalibur's meister!
1. 1-100

**"Greetings, meisters! I thank you for journeying to my cave in hopes of becoming my partner! Now, shall we begin with my exciting 1000 provisions you must follow and my intriguing five hour storytelling party? Listen well, for you have been chosen for everlasting glory and victory!" **

* * *

**Excalibur's 1000 Provisions**

1. My mornings starts off with a cup of coffee with cream.

2. Only 5000k color degree white paper is used to write on.

3. Excalibur's cane is polished once every 10 minutes and 4 seconds.

4. Lima beans are repulsive. Destroy them!

5. Every Friday is poem day.

6. Only order online from Amazon.

7. You're to buy coffee from Starbucks only.

8. Never give to a homeless loser!

9. Excalibur's birthday is every day!

10. Everyone is a FOOL!

11. Always order the most expensive item on the menu.

12. Excalibur will only ride in a Maybach Exelero Supersport. No less!

13. I must have a warm cup of Jasmine tea 30 minutes before I sleep.

14. My meister is exactly 5'5.

15. Use emoticons at the end of every sentence you type. (•ㅅ•)

16. Every bookshelf in the house is dusted 8 times a day.

17. Excalibur is dressed with the finest clothes imported from England.

18. My legend dates back to the 12th century. Let that be known to all!

19. The only game console you are allowed to play is a Wii.

20. I believe in recycling. Therefore, recycle everything!

21. Nothing isn't impossible.

22. A refreshing morning begins with a refreshing greeting!

23. There is no such thing as the Excalibur in Las Vegas.

24. Never step on a sidewalk crack.

25. The font you are to use is size 11.82 Japanese Moon font.

26. No meister of mine makes that face.

27. Excalibur is the most powerful weapon in the world. You will make sure of that.

28. Never order online.

29. My meister lives in a two story four bedroom four bathroom house with the exact cost of $900,000.

30. Tokyo Mew Mew is strictly prohibited.!

31. Always dress demurely.

32. Water fresh from the mountain spring is the only water I drink!

33. You're to get straight As.

34. My meister plays the piano for me at 11:16 AM twice a week

35. Afternoon tea must not be skipped!

36. You will not fall victim to cuteness!

37. Excalibur is your only weapon. No cheating!

38. Rhythm Heaven visuals are a necessity!

39. Do not patronize McDonald's. In-n-Out is the best!

40. You will only use lead pencils when writing.

41, Paper mache is a waste of paper. Origami only!

42. Always root for England in the Olympics!

43. Be perfect!

44. Every Wednesday, we travel to California!

45. I must receive 12 presents on my birthday.

46. Soul Eater and Soul Eater Not! are the only mangas allowed..

47. The cutest food is always put at the table!

48. No secrets are kept from Excalibur!

49. You must meditate with me for 6 hours every Tuesday.

50. Synchronize the clock once every hour.

51. Electric erasers are annoying. Not allowed!

52. Your computer password is 65 letters long.

53. Putting salt on the railroad is punishable by death!

54. You must pay Excalibur a weapon fee of $5 every week

55, Excalibur is always right!

56. The internet is also always right! Believe it!

57. Always place a dehumidifier in your room!

58. When I am humming a tune to myself, you must not speak!

59. At 9:00 every night, we play Rock Band.

60. Hold your breath for one minute three time a week.

61. Only praise Excalibur at 2:30.

62. A lock is put on the TV for "Adult" content.

63. Call everyone "baka".

64. The house always smells like apple-cinnamon Febreze.

65. My meister speaks English, Japanese, Spanish, and French.

66. Your weight is exactly 118.7 pounds.

67. It must be absolutely silent for me to sleep.

68. My breakfast consists of lightly toasted white bread with freshly squeezed orange juice and a blueberry muffin.

69. You will never eat a banana.

70. The highest quality toilet paper is used!

71. Every mirror I look in must have no smudges!

72. You will only use a mouse pad.

73. My meister uses feng shui.

74. Parties hosted at our house must be Excalibur Approved!

75. Excalibur's birthday must be celebrated in a grand manner!

76. Excalibur always sits at the head of the table!

77. I am not Troy Baker! FOOL!

78. Apple is the best company. All devices are Apple!

79. My Neighbor Totoro is your favorite movie.

80. Wear a pin on your shirt saying, "~Excalibur~"

81. Always laugh at Geico commericials!

82. Ladybugs are friends. Let them in the house!

83. On 8/8/98, you may break one rule of your choice.

84. Do not associate with bronies!

85. There is only one sword. That is me!

86. Excalibur memes are to by destroyed.

87. Go to bed at 9:46 every night.

88. Excalibur fanfiction is the only fanfiction you write.

89. Morning doesn't begin at 6:00AM. It begins at 5:59AM.

90. My meister has very precise and neat handwriting.

91. My meister never gets angry.

92. Never attend a matinee movie showing!

93. Slender is your favorite game. Play it alone in the dark every day.

94. The only color you are allowed to use is blue.

95. My meister wears a jacket at all times!

96. 9 X 2 = 17.9

97. Do not go outside unless it's 71 degrees fahrenheit.

98. My meister only gets angry at those who do not know the legend.

99. You must buy 14 karat gold for Excalibur on his birthday.

100. Never say never.

* * *

**"I now give you permission to discuss my provisions amongst yourselves. Herbal tea is being offered while my publisher is writing my provisions."**


	2. 100-200

**"Have you enjoyed the fresh herbal tea? That brings me back to provision (I don't really care to say), you must never call on a landline. Let is continue my provisions!"**

* * *

100. Never say never.

101. Every drink must have four ice cubes in a perfect square alignment.

102. My meister is never jealous of another person.

103. There are 366 days in a year.

104. No pets allowed!

105. Vacations are taken only on 9/21

106. Only listen to Vocaloid.

107. You're to own an Excalibur cosplay. The official one.

108. My meister wears a white slap on watch.

109. Never eat the yolk of an egg.

110. When showering, only use Tsubaki shampoo.

111. Funimation is a lie.

112. Boycott the Pokemon anime. Fools made it!

113. Thirteen boxes of giant Pocky are in the pantry,

114, The pantry is organized every day by alphabetical and weight order.

115. Only listen to classical music.

116. Every year, we go to Anime Expo.

117. Stop moving until the butterfly passes!

118. Never drink from a water fountain. Disgusting!

119. Pass out Excalibur flyers everyday at lunch.

120. My bedroom has only one crack on the ceiling.

121. A fresh bowl of cut golden delicious apples is one my nightstand when I wake up.

122 The taller the top hat, the greater you are. Never have your hat surpass Excalibur!

123. A hero is always up to date with the latest news around the world!

124. Eternal glory is what you have when you are my meister. Find the Fountain of Youth and become immortal!

125. Only see 3D movies.

126. There are exactly 5 paintings in every room.

127, Don't go outside when it's raining!

128. I am your only friend on Facebook.

129. My meister is the greatest sushi chef in Death City!

130. You put on strawberry scented lotion at 9:11 on Thursday.

131. Keep calm when killing a creeper.

132. Subscribe to Excalibur's YouTube channel!

133. Never combine chocolate with horses!

134. We go to every single store when shopping at the mall.

135. A hero is never afraid of embarrassment!

36. My meister never eats food from the carnival!

137. A grand entrance is necessary every time there is a door.

138. No stuffed animals allowed!

139. Sing Papermoon when you see the moon.

140. You only get one chance at everything!

141. My meister is an excellent time keeper!

142. Don't use the stove unless absolutely necessary!

143. Perfect punctuation and grammar is essential!

144. You type 108 words per minute!

145. Always have the window open one inch when driving.

146. No ball in the house!

147. Never take me to a salty ocean.

148. The Excalibur Song is your ringtone.

149. The perfect meister has the perfect GPA. Attain it at all costs.

150. Never use Bing. Google is better.

151. DJ with me at the nightclub!

152. The refrigerator is kept at the temperature of -1 degrees Fahrenheit.

153. Peanut butter is on the top. Jelly is on the bottom. PB and J the right way.

154. Play Tarot with me!

155. My meister wears neon pink nail polish regardless of gender!

156. All devices are always plugged in.

157. Train yourself to do the splits.

158. Always read all of the Loveless' stories with a 5 paragraph review.

159. When speaking, use the highest vocabulary possible.

160. Crane KICK!

161. For my birthday, make me 1000 cranes.

162. There's no "I" in TEAM. But there is in WIN. Win for Excalibur!

163. Gay means Happy.

164. I only eat handmade ice cream.

165. Don't do drugs!

166. エクスカリバー。

167. We have 2 summer homes.

168. Sing with me at the opera!

169. We have two peacocks as pets.

170. Write a 12 paragraph review for every movie and book you read or watch.

171. Quiet! Excalibur is washing his hands!

172. Hold a sense of the Japanese spirit!

173. Tomatoes that are yellow are the best. Throw out the red ones.

174. My meister also wears skirts regardless of gender!

175. Never order Chinese takeout! Don't patronize those fools!

176. No fireworks!

177. When I die, bury me in Texas.

178. I only ride in green submarines.

179. Wear a tracking device at all times.

180. 大馬鹿者！

181. Stay absolutely still whenever the sun is directly overhead.

182. Perfect is the enemy of good.

183. Your email is Gmail. No Verizon or Yahoo!

184. Find out what honorificabilitudinitatibus means.

185. Save everything.

186. A glass of water has five cubes of ice.

187. Only break your promise when it involves people!

188. Don't attend a funeral unless you're not going to cry!

189. Every Sunday and Monday is boba day!

190. Never break your promise!

191. White sugar is better than brown sugar. Only use brown!

192. Don't trust a dictionary.

193. The world is not round!

194. Only Excalibur gets to pick the fights.

195. Your desktop wallpaper is Excalibur!

196. Get a job at Wal-Mart.

197. At the end of each paragraph, put this line breaker: ○+●+○+●+○+●+○+●+○+●+○+●+○

198. Paint the walls blue!

199. Only go to the hospital of you break your left arm.

200. Never call on a land line.

* * *

**"As you await my return, please feel pleasured as my song is being beautifully played for you."**


	3. 200-300

**"Welcome back, meisters to my provisions reciting and five hour story telling party! Let us now continue!"**

* * *

200. Never call on a land line.

201. No subs. Just dubs.

202. The highest class toilet must be prepared.

203. I want the original _Mona Lisa _in my room.

204. 42-42-564 Whenever you wanna knock on Excalibur's door. Do this every time you wish to enter my room.

205. Destroy all bird's nests you find!

206. 4+4= tree.

207. This is how you spell gray: grey.

208. Conquer Mount Everest!

209. Play _Where am I? _before you go to bed.

210. Whenever you see the number 1, adjust the brightness on your screen.

211. Never scare Excalibur intentionally.

212. My meister smells like Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion.

213. Don't take Excalibur to the doctor if they have old magazines.

214. Get a 4chan account.

215. Don't question the textbook!

216. Send negative energy to anyone who has red hair.

217. My meister knows how to hack any device!

218. Every story title is: Excalibur's Story.

219. Procrastinate HARDER.

220. Change your middle name to: Julia.

221. If you're right handed, wear your watch on your right hand.

222. If you're left handed, wear your watch on your left hand.

223. Write with your less dominate hand. No exceptions!

224. No parodies accepted.

225. Anything over 9000 is to be disposed of in the recycle bin.

226. No musicals.

227. I want my own AMV!

228. February 24th is Excalibur Day. Show your love for your weapon!

229. Cross dress every Halloween!

230. Stick Scotch tape on until it covers your entire flash drive.

231. Make ominous music when you see rainbows.

232. Go to the store and buy the most expensive item there.

234. Always have two pairs of everything.

235. I can't think of anything right now. Moving on!

236. Jealous is "jelly".

237. My meister has dromophobia.

238. You are against racism. There is only one race to Excalibur: HUMAN.

239. Pancakes are always in a PERFECT CIRCLE.

240. Do 60 sit-ups every day.

241. This is your signature: ´◔ ڼ ◔｀

242. If there's no dub, make one.

243. Attend Excalibur University for college.

244. Find the tallest building near you, and jump off of it with an umbrella.

245. Don't waste water. Five minute showers!

246. Your status is always single.

247. Hot dogs are called "weenies".

248. Always skip lunch.

249. Your blood type is O negative.

250. Don't give anyone your number.

251. The 27th letter in the English alphabet is: Ѫ

252. There is no such thing as too much power. Turn and keep on all electrical devices!

253. Never let a cough or sneeze escape your mouth.

254. To be my meister, you must have no provisions for me to follow.

255. Always have the fastest computer.

256. All lollipops are banned.

257. You must wear a tie every time there is air conditioning in effect.

258. Any shorts worn must go below the fingertips!

259. Don't rescue a drowning person.

260. Your car's license plate says: EXCALIBUR.

261. If someone has blue eyes, avoid eye contact when speaking to them.

262. In order for an apple to be an apple, it must bounce twice on a flat coffee table surface.

263. No one else holds a cane except for Excalibur.

264. Baths are not taken between the hours of 12:00 PM and 8:00 AM.

265. You cannot take a picture of a cat in the month of April.

266. Buy a blanket and use it for security every night.

267. Never let a blackout happen.

268. Rap is a horrible excuse for music. I want classical.

269. Whenever you see an advertisement on TV, buy it.

270. Never be the last person in line for anything.

271. All letters addressed to Excalibur must be written backwards in Morse Code with a neon green fountain pen and delivered via carrier chicken.

272. All long distance messages to Excalibur must be done by smoke signals only.

273. Visit California once a year so I can see if my girl will finally shown up like we swore we would all those years ago... *tear*

274. Read with the lights off.

275. Excalibur is a vegetarian. Vegetables only.

276. All foods must be low in fat, high fructose corn syrup, have sugar as the last ingredient, and have 19% carbohydrates.

277. Follow me on Twitter!

278. You must never permit carrots in my meals.

279. Make sure the temperature in the car is always at 89 degrees Fahrenheit.

280. Learning how to play the bagpipes is mandatory.

281. We play golf at midnight every Wednesday.

282. Create and name a sandwich after me.

283. Remember, Naruto, Ichigo, Natsu, Tsuna and Luffy are but maiden's tears beneath my feet.

284. When in the car, make sure the passengers' seat belts are always on child-lock.

285. Any eggs served to me must be Ostrich eggs.

286. Never use the heart emoticon. EVER.

287. Always take cold showers.

288. Regardless of what anyone says, write your essay in 16 font size.

289. Don't give anyone advice unless they have purple eyes.

290. The Irish Step Dance is the only dance to be danced.

291. Disinfect every play equipment before going on the playground.

292. Give your waiters and waitresses a 35% tip.

293. Never have more than two tabs open on the Internet.

294. Make sure you are always in a car seat.

295. Open a baby-sitting service with no charge.

296. Seafood Pizza is a big no-no.

297. Always leave the laundry in the dryer for two days before taking it out.

298. The time is always Excalibur Time.

299. Nothing beats a cup of tea in the morning.

300. Don't die.

* * *

**"My publisher Four Dimensional would like to thank the fools _Saint River 2.0, CatKkit _and _Blonde Sunflower lover _for aiding her with provisions:**

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**273"**


	4. 300-400

**"I commend you for your patience as it has truly been a long time since a complete rule update. Four Dimensional understands she is violating the rules and has included The Great Excalibur in her story to keep it on this site. Let us continue with my provisions, fools."**

* * *

300. Don't die.

301. If you are sick, the only disease you are allowed to have is **Acrocephalosyndactylia**.

302. Never watch black and white movies.

303. Buy 50 copies of Soul Eater volume 14 and display them all over your room.

304. Always use WASD instead of the arrow keys.

305. Always carry scissors in your pockets at all times.

306. Cookies are to be eaten raw.

307. If you use incorrect grammar, grab the nearest microphone and scream as loud as you can into it.

308. Find a way to make green tea purple.

309. Cry 3 times a day.

310. If you walk in front of me, you must face the punishment of 500 fools!

311. Get me a glass of malk.

312. Never do two things at once.

313. You have to dance around me thirteen times while singing a song that I shall make for you to sing.

314. You must always speak of me as 'The Great Excalibur, Ruler and King of All Things'!

315. Arrange all the letters on your keyboard in alphabetical order.

316. When talking on the phone, always put it on speaker.

317. Always talk in third person.

318. Never use the words 'rice' and 'clock' in the same sentence.

319. April 1st is the day where you go to the mall and dance your worst dance moves.

320. Name all your children after Excalibur.

321. Order diet water when eating out.

322. Believe in Santa!

323. Have Excalibur as you wallpaper for everything.

324. Before reading any story, do 15 push-ups and drink a glass of lemonade.

325. After getting a haircut, you must chant this for one week: Oh, holy Excalibur, full of grace, aid thee with thy powerfulness in healing thy wounded locks!

326. On Sunday from 12:00AM-3:00AM, do not swallow your own saliva.

327. Remember to do an oil self portrait of Excalibur with the largest piece of canvas possible.

328. Never eat popcorn in handfuls. One at a time.

329. When on social networking sites such as this "Facebook", follow everything.

330. Do not sit down in any chair before spraying it with air freshener.

331. If it is more than 76 degrees in the house, turn on the heater.

332. Never share your bed with anyone.

333. If it is less than 67 degrees, turn on the air conditioner.

334. When texting, always use correct grammar.

335. Always make your own colored pencils, crayons, paint, and markers. Never buy them.

336. Get your keyboard to type all languages.

337. Always go around the bridge, not over it.

338. No randomness.

339. My mid-morning begins with a steaming hot cup of cocoa with marshmallows and fresh whipped cream.

340. My afternoon begins with a cup of hot tea and two lumps of sugar.

341. My evenings begin with... ... ... You change me into my pajamas.

342. Develop a fear of staplers.

343. For every video you watch, always earn the top comment!

344. Only eat chocolate from Willy Wonka, it is Excalibur's favorite chocolate.

345. Remember that Naruto, Bleach, Fairy Tail and One Piece are but maiden's tears beneath my feet.

346. Always wait until precisely 9:00 PM to finish any homework you may have.

347. Build a time machine and always have it set to: Excalibur's Cave, 5/14/09

348. Refer to the home as 'The Place Where One Dwells Temporarily'.

_349. Meisters must eat everything, regardless of personal likes and dislikes._

350. (ﺧ益ﺨ)

351. Always carry a stuffed cat on your back.

352. Never sit at the table for no more than 51 minutes.

353. When writing, always write in second person.

354. DO NOT LOSE.

355. Never EVER dye your hair a different color. Especially red.

356. My meister has hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia.

357. Always have the Webster's 3000 page dictionary on hand.

358. Regardless of gender, never carry any type of purse.

359. If you require math, do not do addition.

360. In under any circumstances in the home, do not open any windows.

361. If anyone gives you trouble, call them a fool and then run 4 miles south of that person.

362. My mid-afternoons begin with a tuna sandwich and a refreshing glass of lemonade.

363. Always have your WiFi turned on.

364. You must not download anything without Excalibur's permission firsthand.

365. Do not touch my cane.

367. Don't help a single person unless they bow down to Excalibur and praise my greatness!

368. Have a lock on everything that contains items.

369. When writing the word and, always use the and symbol. &

370. Protect Excalibur at all costs!

371. Before reading provision #371, you must first read provision #10.

372. Never backsass Excalibur!

373. Never take Excalibur to a pool with chlorine in it.

374. When making agreements with people, always have them sign a contract .54 seconds after the agreement is made.

375. Sharing is caring. Don't share unless they attend Excalibur's story telling party.

376. Always remember that green is not a creative color.

377. When someone offers help, don't take it unless you ask them first.

378. Always start your sentences with "The Almighty Excalibur".

379. After eating a meal, take a bottle of blue nail polish and deeply inhale four times.

380. 0 is an even number, not odd.

381. Before engaging in a conversation with any person, ask them what their favorite idea is.

382. Question everything.

383. At parties, despite the theme, always go in costume.

384. To be evil, you must be 1.50 m.

385. If something is free, get it.

386. In the elevator, always play tic-tac-toe until you get to your desired floor.

387. When someone hands you an orange, never speak to them again.

388. If you wish to speak to the person who hands you an orange, you may contact them via string phone.

389. Spiders are always your enemy.

390. Always be aggressive when playing sports.

391. Before touching Excalibur in his weapon form, always use disinfecting wipes on his hilt.

392. Before taking a kishin soul, make it praise Excalibur's greatness first.

393. Always be present once an hourglass empties of its sand.

394. After drinking a vanilla latte, don't sleep for 3 days after drinking it.

395. Read the manual cover to cover before using any device.

396. My meister is allergic to nuts.

397. If you wish to open a cupboard, you must first ask for Excalibur's permission.

398. My meister is very open minded and accepts all ideas!

399. At exactly 11:59 PM Pacific Time, do one jumping jack.

400. After reading provision 400, read provision 399.

* * *

The emoticon is the official Excalibur emoticon.

**"Now, sit and await my return as I begin my freshly cooked carrot free meal".**


End file.
